Dear Bossy: I have recently been presented with somewhat of a horrible situation to do with a friend I have had since we were about 5 we are now in our early 20’s. We have had issues with our friendship before that I’m sure is common when a female and a male develop a close bond from such an early age but whatever has happened we have always come out of it with an even stronger friendship. However what has happened recently is not so much something that affects our friendship but is a problem I simply don’t feel qualified to help him with, he came to my house one night after being kind of distant for about a week I could tell he was upsett and it took him ages to finally get it out. He told me the reason he had never really been attracted to me (or any other girls for that matter) is because he believes he may be attracted to children, that he finds himself staring at young girls, as in little girls not teenagers, and sometimes their image will still be with him for ages later.

As you can imagine this was somewhat of a shock, if anything I thought he was going to tell me he is gay, after confessing this he started crying and it was obvious he was in some serious turmoil and all I could do was sit there saying nothing. I eventually managed to get out the question I really didn’,supra tk society midhttp://www.justinbiebershoesusa.com/supra-tk-society-mid-black-red-suede-shoe;t want to know the answer to of if he had acted on any of these feelings and he said no. After talking for some time I’m sure he is telling the truth about that, it also explains why he doesn’t have an internet connection at home as he said it was to remove temptation from even looking at that kind of thing. People will probably wonder how I could have missed something like this in my best friend of over 15 years but as I mentioned before I always thought some of the things about him that may have seemed kind of odd were due to him possibly being gay and he just wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

He is now avoiding me and i’m afraid he regrets telling me, I mentioned that he should see someone professionaly about it but he is scared that by even just having these feelings even though he has assured me he would never act on them he is commiting an offense, some clarification around that would be helpful. I don’t even know how to feel about this myself, given that this is such an emotive topic people I’m sure will be quick to tell me that I should remove him from my life altogether but he may as well be like a brother to me now and if the only person he has ever told about this abandons him won’t that just make things worse? Or possibly even cause him to start behaving in a self destructive manner that could possibly even lead to this becoming a serious problem? Technically he hasn’t even done anything wrong and if it only stays in his head the only person being hurt is himself,supra tk society purple suede shoehttp://www.justinbiebershoesusa.com/supra-tk-society-purple-suede-skate-shoes, what advice can I give him about where he can get some help and how do I even broach this with him now that he is making it difficult for me to speak to him. For the most part I think I have handled this whole thing badly and feel sick that I could lose my best friend because of it,supra tk society blue and blackhttp://www.justinbiebershoesusa.com/supra-tk-society-blue-and-black-shoes. Please help me.

Bossy says: You are under no obligation to help your friend. But if you could see your way forward to having another conversation with him, you may very well be helping others too.

We covered this topic early last year and many of the things I said then remain the same.

Firstly that while it is absolutely essential to disapprove of sexual attraction towards children, when our reaction is simply to push these people away, we often push them away from the help they need and the help that can ultimately protect children.
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I get that it’s hard to have sympathy for people who feel as your friend does but it would help if you told your friend he will not be reported for seeking help. He has not committed a crime by thinking these thoughts. The only “crime” would be not seeking help.

I understand too that he is working hard to control his own urges but they are clearly having an emotional toll. Not only that, while he has taken actions such as getting rid of his home internet connection to control this problem, there can be times when despite our best efforts our control evaporate. Stressful times in our lives, alcohol or drug use and even sickness can undermine our efforts to stay away from negative influences and urges.

Last year I spoke to therapists who specialise in this area and they said it is a good sign when people like your friend are aware these thoughts are problematic.

It can take courage to seek help. It means facing one of our biggest stigmas. But your friend needs to ask himself what would offer the greatest protection to children he comes into contact with? Staying silent? Or seeking help?

I am attaching a link to the which has a list of people accredited to deal with child sexual offenders. If you live in a different state or territory you can still call the people on this list and ask for referrals in your area. Some are part of government or community groups, others are in private practice so it may take a few calls and some patience to get what you need.

I am also giving you a link to or the Australian New Zealand Association for Treatment of Sexual Abuse who may be able to provide you with a referral in your state or territory.

Tell him not be afraid to call. These people are trained in this area. They are not naive or easily shocked. He can just call one or two, leave a message with his first name and a contact number and ask for a return call. They are professionals and will offer help.

There is not one way to approach him. Just talk to him and tell him do care but have found this confronting personally. Then say you think it is important he gets some support, not just for himself but as a way of ensuring the protection of children he may know.

Feel free to write again.