nd smoothing out the ends of her sash while she gazed at the corner of the door.She was inwardly gazing whither he had gone to that further shore. And that shore of which she had never thought in old days which had seemed to her so far away so incredible was now closer to her and more her own more comprehensible than this side of life in which all was emptiness and desolation or suffering and humiliation.She was gazing into that world where she knew he was. But she could not see him except as he had been here on earth. She was seeing him again as he had been at Mytishtchy at Troitsa at Yaroslavl.She was seeing his face hearing his voice and repeating his words and words of her own that she had put into his mouth; and sometimes imagining fresh phrases for herself and him which could only have been uttered in the past.Now she saw him as he had once been lying on a low chair in his velvet fur-lined cloak his head propped on his thin pale hand. His chest looked fearfully hollow and his shoulders high. His lips were firmly closed his eyes shining and there was a line on his white brow that came and vanished again. There was a rapid tremor just perceptible in one foot. Natasha knew he was struggling to bear horrible pain. “What was that pain like? Why was it there? What was he feeling? How did it hurt?” Natasha had wondered. He had noticed her attention raised his eyes and without smiling began to speak.“One thing would be awful” he said: “to bind oneself for ever to a suffering invalid. It would be an everlasting torture.” And he had looked with searching eyes at her. Natasha as she always did had answered without giving herself time to think,vans old skool; she had said: “It can't go on like this it won't be so you will get well—quite well.”She was seeing him now as though it were the first time and going through all she had felt at that time. She recalled the long mournful stern gaze he had given her at those words and she understood all the reproach and the despair in that prolonged gaze.“I agreed” Natasha said to herself now “that it would be awful if he were to remain always suffering. I said that then only because it would be so awful for him but he did not understand it so. He thought that it would be awful for me. Then he still wanted to live and was afraid of death. And I said it so clumsily so stupidly. I was not thinking that,where to buy vans shoes in uk. I was thinking something quite different. If I had said what I was thinking I should have said: ‘Let him be dying dying all the time before my eyes and I should be happy in comparison with what I am now.' Now … there is nothing no one. Did he know that? No,vans shoes cheapest. He did not know and never will know it. And now it can never never be made up for.”And again he was saying the same words; but this time Natasha in her imagination made him a different answer. She stopped him and said: “Awful for you but not for me. You know that I have nothing in life but you and to suffer with you is the greatest happiness possible for me.” And he took her hand and pressed it just as he had pressed Related articles:

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